


On Purpose

by IRegretNothingAndEverything



Series: Host and Mal [4]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: He's alright but he wasn't, Host is having a time here, M/M, Mentions of Nightmares, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:15:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26366296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IRegretNothingAndEverything/pseuds/IRegretNothingAndEverything
Summary: Host wakes up from a nightmare with the sudden realization.He didn't want to die.
Relationships: The Host/Malfunction | Malik
Series: Host and Mal [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1745464
Kudos: 6





	On Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> I kept listening to Everything I Wanted by Billie Eilish, and it gave me thoughts!

Host had been awake for a few minutes before Mal shifted in his arms, beginning to wake himself. During those few minutes, Host had lay unmoving, clinging onto Mal as tightly as he could manage, and, when Mal lifted his head, Host finally turned his own, as if meeting Mal’s gaze. 

“Wh at’s wrong, love, why are y ou crying?” His voice was still heavy with sleep, but worry overpowered it, as Host turned, one hand coming up to cup Mal’s face, chest heaving with sobs. 

“I don’t want to die.” 

Mal blinked, as Host broke further, ducking his head into Mal’s chest to sob. Mal clung onto him, wrapping his arms tightly around the sobbing man, one hand coming into his hair, raking his fingers through the tangled mess. A nightmare, then, Host must’ve had a nightmare. He didn’t move enough to tangle his hair this badly otherwise. 

“You wo nt, love-” He attempted, but Host shook his head wildly into his chest, probably smearing blood and snot across his shirt, but Mal couldn’t find it in him to care. 

“No, no, Mal...” Host tilted his head up at him, bloody tears soaking his bandages through near completely, and Mal watched them slip down his nose a bit, revealing the bloody black pits usually hidden there. “I-I want... I want to live. On purpose.” 

And Mal understood. 

Host wasn’t scared here, not as he usually was waking from a nightmare. This was relief. He was alive, on purpose, and Mal just smiled at him, holding onto his face, accidentally smearing blood across his cheek. “O kay...” and Host grinned up at him, still hiccuping through sobs, and hid his face back into Mal’s chest, shaking.

Mal just clung back onto him, letting him work his way through the realization, that he wasn’t just floating from moment to moment waiting for death anymore. 

Eventually, they would have to get up, clean Host up a bit, Mal would have to change his shirt, just to be free from the amount of blood pouring from Host as he sobbed quietly, but for now, Mal slipped a hand back into Host’s hair and hummed, slowly working Host back down from his hysterics.


End file.
